The past year or so, I have seen, heard, felt, been through things that have affected me deeply, and I am not sure how to get back to how I felt before, to normal. A world of so much beauty, love, life and so many dreams made to come true, a world I carried in my heart dearly. I admit I have never been perfect with people, I never knew how to ‘keep’ people, or how to be the perfect daughter, friend, girlfriend or just a person for that matter. But there was an amount of time, when I got better, that things went better, and in my eyes, people were better. I fear people. Every inch of them, and with every inch they come closer. Yet it puts the biggest smile on my face to see them enjoy life and their passion, and sharing it together. It gives me hope. Hope that someday, I can be like that again. Looking in someone’s eyes and trusting them with your hand.
I build up a wall, and behind that wall I made myself so small to protect, every inch of me. I don’t know how to bring it down, I don’t know how to break it down. Maybe it’s because I let these people so close to me, and watched them tear me apart without any shame, or guilt, or even a ‘sorry’. Multiple times. Breaking every inch of me, and not caring at all. How can you do that? And making me look like the bad guy in the mean time, but of course.
I held my hands open, my heart open for these people. And they just broke me. Like it was nothing.
I am broken. And I don’t know how to heal. I can’t explain ‘evil’, but I know that the people that act of hate fall into this trap, and the trap can lead to it being endless. I know how it feels to act out of hate, because I used to do it too. All i know, that after a while, breaking out of that trap, is that I was mad, I was hurt. And that didn’t make me want to care about others, at all. I was hurt, and that was all that mattered.
I know the world we live in today is scary, open, and taking hate close to home. But only we can let it get to us, let it take us. Change us, into that trap too.
Don’t listen. Don’t be the same. Please believe, act out of kindness, and know that what you’re going through isn’t something that will be in control forever. There is a brighter day, and that’s what I hold onto. I hold onto your hope, your love, your kindness, your beliefs, your life, your world. Because I believe in you. I believe in a brighter day.
Lets heal together. And open up to the beauty of this world anyway. Don’t lose faith. There is good, and good is stronger than hate ever will be.